DimProv 5: Love At First Thought
by CharlesBronson
Summary: In the fifth entry of the DimProv series, Dim Shades falls in love? [Rated R for strong language, violence, sexual themes and offensive material]


DimProv #5: Love At First Thought  
  
[Dims Apartment 7:05 A.M.]  
  
Dim Shades: ::Wakes up:: God damn it! Right in the middle of a sex dream and I get woke up..her breasts were so soft...I wanted to fluff her pillows....am I talking to myself?  
  
Dim Shades: Yeah, I think you are.  
  
Dim Shades: Hey, fuckface...take off my name NOW...  
  
Dim Shades: Make me, you Republican, pro-death penalty asshole...  
  
Dim Shades: Oh, you asked for it, bitch! ::Kicks impostor in the nuts followed by an airplane spin:: Rot in hell, you Stalinist fuck!::Launches him through the wall::  
  
[DJ Slam walks into the house in his boxers with a lighter in his mouth]  
  
DJ Slam: Got any CRACKERS? ...No, seriously...got any crackers? It's 'Change Your Race' day and I need to bust up on some marshamallow cone hat wearing whities, yo.  
  
Dim Shades: Well, put one on the board for ebonics...haha...  
  
DJ Slam: Huh? Why use such big words, Shades?  
  
Dim Shades: Because I'm in a good dream...err..had a good dream. Breasts as soft as pillows and an ass you'd have dinner on...you know what I'm talkin' about, eh Willis?  
  
DJ Slam: I am DJ Slam but yeah, I understand, yo. One of those fine assed ebony beauties?  
  
Dim Shades: Eh, she's caucasian but she has an ass worthy of a ghetto queen...I'm talking ruffles here. Speaking of ruffles...why are you wearing your boxers?  
  
DJ Slam: Because Slammy Whammy will scare the children with his bastard rat head...hahaha...  
  
Dim Shades: ::blank look:: Yeah...   
  
[Woman falls through door, brain falls out]  
  
Brain: Shades, you sexy beast...I am the woman from your dreams...  
  
Dim Shades: Well, I guess when I was studying your ass, I was actually studying your medulla oblongata...heh...wait..you came from this body? Haha, I've got an idea...  
  
::Cuts her chest open, jumps in::  
  
Shades in Female Body: ::Picks up summer sausage out of nowhere. Swings it to the left then right:: I'M A SEXY GIRL...DING DONG!...DING DONG!  
  
DJ Slam: Hey, I thought you were dead....ah, fuck it, where is Shades? Oh well, you're a golden haired female thats white...good enough for me...  
  
Dim Shades: ::Rips open female body, gets out:: HELL NO!  
  
DJ Slam: You're transexual?   
  
Dim Shades: I was just feeling what it was like to have a vagina for like 45 seconds...  
  
Brain: Dim, put me in a jar with water right now or else I'll dry out!  
  
Dim Shades: [Drops the brain in a Hawaiian Punch jug] Enjoy the FRUITY goodness  
  
Brain: Oh god...I am in San Francisco...oh...the beverage..yes..  
  
Dim Shades: Look, beautiful womans brain..we'll fuck later. We'll find you a body after me and DJ get some revenge on some midget bastards.  
  
DJ Slam: Yeah...I'd gladly stimulate you until your cerebrospinal fluid expulses like a geyser...ooh..  
  
[DJ Slam and Dim just into a wooden convertible and put on midget clothes]  
  
DJ Slam: Nice car. Mmm, redwood...damn, wooden convertible...how fast does this baby go?  
  
Dim Shades: Goes from 0 to 3.5 in 5 seconds. If that impresses you, you should see it with boosters...10 miles an hour...!  
  
[They pull out of the apartments and go to the midget side of town]  
  
Midget #1: Knock knock  
  
Midget #2: Who's there?  
  
Midget #1: Tall People.  
  
Midget #2: Tall People who?  
  
Midget #1: Tall People Suck Ass and I'm Glad I'm Not Tall...  
  
Midget #2: Talk about cliches...  
  
[Inside Wooden Convertible - Dim Shades & DJ]  
  
Dim Shades: OK, when I drive by, you shoot these darts at those midgety fuckers, yo...god damn it...  
  
DJ Slam: Aye aye, Captain.... ::Fires the darts but they drop after going 2 inches:: SHIT!  
  
Dim Shades: It's time to get serious and fight some of these oddball fucks...  
  
[Blair jumps out of a trashcan]  
  
Blair: Welcome to BAD BLOOD PPV STREET! WAH! NO ONE WANTS TO JOIN! Shades, you must face me, I'M THE GREAT WHITE HYPE OF CHRISTIANS...OH YEAH!  
  
Dim Shades: ::Kicks Blair in the Christian Jewels, bashes him in the skull with a trash can lid and starts banging a wall with a hammer:: IT'S BAAAACCCCCKKKK!!!!   
  
DJ Slam: ::Plays tennis racket as guitar:: I am the best skier in the world. But on a serious note ladies and gentlemen...there's nothing wrong with being into religion but there is when religion is so far up your ass, you act like a sordid prick.  
  
Blair: Baby killers!  
  
Dim Shades: Ha, you're a hunter...go hunt some ass down, fucking Kenfucky fried cock smoke...  
  
Blair: Seeya at Bad Blood, Shades...hahaha ::falls down, shoes fall off...starts crying::  
  
[Midgets hear Blairs whining]  
  
Midget: Ugh..whiny Kenfucky native? Damn, thought it was a Beach Boys album playing...  
  
DJ Slam: Hey, pie fucker! [Bashes midget in the head with tennis racket] 40 love right there, bitch!  
  
Dim Shades: Shit...they're gaining on us...millions of them...don't worry, I have a backup plan. ::Runs to wooden convertible, pulls out two hammer guns::  
  
DJ Slam: It's hammer time! Hahaha  
  
Dim Shades: ::slaps self:: I saw that coming...   
  
DJ and Dim fire away at the midgets and watch them bleed out Hawaiian Punch...WTF?  
  
Midget: Haha, fuckers! We're ust artificially flavored fruit drinks with human costumes...makes you feel like real Republicans, huh?  
  
::Place explodes::  
  
Dim Shades: (Wakes up in bed, notices Mallory) Hey hey hey...I got lucky!  
  
Mallory: (Wakes up) What? Who the hell are you and why do you have a salami poking out of the covers?  
  
Dim Shades: Oops. (Pulls salami out and takes a bite out of it) I need a fix. Hmm?  
  
Malory: Not if you were the last man on earth, stud. I'm Mallory Massacre: Super Babe!  
  
Dim Shades: Mal, come on...give a guy a break... ::motions toward Little Dim::  
  
Mallory: Oh well...OK... ::Starts to go down, door gets kicked open::  
  
Nemesis: ::Sticks lighter in mouth:: GOT ANY CRACKERS?  
  
Dim Shades: WTF? I mean, what the fuck? I am about to get a fix and you bust down my two dollar and thirty nine cent door to ask for some fucking crackers...::Uppercut:: Get the fuck out of my house. ::Throws Nemesis out the window::  
  
Nemesis: MOSSSEEEEEESSSSSS! ::WHAM!::  
  
Dim Shades: So, where were we Mal? ::Notices note, reads:: "Dim, that was almost the best 2 seconds of my life....thanks for a good time. Love, Mal Massacre". Oscar Moment ::teardrop /Oscar Moment I've gotta kick ass and take names...  
  
[Fast Food place]  
  
DJ Slam: Can I order some onion rings?  
  
Dim Shades: No time for that! We must kill a female and put that hot brain into her body. Look for someone decent looking with decent tits and a poked out ass! ::Looks toward camera, winks:: I'm gonna find something to strangle the lucky bitch with...  
  
DJ Slam: How about her?::Motions toward a fat chick::  
  
Dim Shades: Eh, they're not my type. I don't eat pork ::Laughs at own joke::  
  
DJ Slam: What about that hot babe? ::Points toward bulimic ballerina that is skeleton skinny::  
  
Dim Shades: I don't like to pick bones about this but...hahaha... ::Gets slapped:: Fine, her! I want her. ::Gets fishing twine out of pocket:: Grab her attention, Slammy!  
  
DJ Slam: Don't call me Slammy, asshole! Oh, miss!  
  
Kaffeine: Yeah! LEMON! What can I do for you, ghetto white boy?  
  
Dim Shades: ::Strangles her with fishing twine until she falls down:: That wasn't so hard... ::wipes off sweat::  
  
Kaffeine: Oh, that wasn't hard? ::Kicks Dim in the balls:: You came at the wrong time of the month, motherfucker ::Axe kick to Dim::  
  
DJ Slam: Haha, Dims getting his ass kicked by a girl.Lets point and laugh at this pathetic bastard! ::Points and laughs::  
  
Kaffeine: Hahaha, what a pansy ass. I bet he grew up not hitting girls.  
  
Dim Shades: ::Eyebrow gashed, nose bleeding:: Peace, Kaff...  
  
Kaffeine: Haha ::walks off::  
  
Dim Shades: ::Puts a Frankenstein mask on Kaff:: But I'd hit my Geometry teacher ::Pulls Kaff shirt over head and starts using her breasts as punching bags followed by an uppercut:: Damn...  
  
DJ Slam: Ok, you go ahead and strangle her. I'm gonna eat a burger and watch on from a distance.  
  
Dim Shades: ::strangles her to death with bare hands, looks up:: Oh, it's the cops! ::Starts kissing Kaff, banging her head against the ground until it was bleeding::  
  
Cop #1: You have a very odd way of making love there, dim shades wearing stranger...  
  
Dim Shades: Yeah, she's a real bitch in bed. It's like taming Cujo.  
  
Cop #2: Heh heh. Kids these days. Back in my day, we'd date a girl by taking them to a water buffalo milking.  
  
Kaffeine: Huh? What? ::Gets punched, knocked out::  
  
Dim Shades: Get in the car, Slam!  
  
DJ Slam: I ordered onion rings, yo! I wanna have a little breaded goodness, g.  
  
Dim Shades: The holiday ended 21 seconds ago...Look, we gotta get this fresh body to my house before the fuzz found out.  
  
[Dims Apartment 1:39 A.M.]  
  
Dim Shades: [Cuts open Kaffs head, rips out brain and throws it in trash] Well, that wasn't hard...  
  
Kaffs Head: ::twists around, throws up vomit, brain rolls into womans body:: YOU'LL SUCK COCKS IN HELL, ASSHOLE ::Body runs off::  
  
Dim Shades: Kill that braindead bitch body!  
  
DJ Slam: Ah, forget it...she's ditsier than ever now...ha-ha!  
  
Dim Shades: We're gonna need a form of fuel or electricity to get this working...OK, get me a car battery, some wires and an exercise bicycle!  
  
[45 minutes later]  
  
[Electrocycle running on exercise power to keep the battery juice going to keep the brain alive]  
  
Dim Shades: Slam, get on the electrocycle and pedal...and put on this Chinaman hat..  
  
DJ Slam: Uh...why?  
  
Dim Shades: Because it's cool looking. Enough said?  
  
[DJ starts pedaling and the electricity starts crackling as the battery powers up the brain inside the womans body]  
  
[The woman gets up and looks at DJ]  
  
DJ Slam: OH SHIT!  
  
Dim Shades: SHE'S ALIVE! HAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
[Police and Kaffs cut open head bust down the door]  
  
Cop #3: You're under arrest for attempted murder and theft of cranial tissue, dirtbag!  
  
Dim Shades: MURDER? This is reincarnation, asshole! ::Motions toward battery::  
  
DJ Slam: Don't touch that!  
  
Dim Shades: ::Touches battery and gets thrown through the wall and falls through a cars windshield::  
  
Mallorys Voice: I'm alive!  
  
DJ Slam: Whoa, that chicks brain was Mallory's...cool!  
  
Mallory: I'm alive...but my Dim isn't.. ::sees his lifeless, electrocuted corpse burrowed deep into the car::  
  
DJ Slam: Well, you always have me!  
  
Mallory: You're too good looking. Damn you for being so studly!  
  
Kaff: Give me back my brain, you TALL bitch!  
  
Mallory: Oh, it's on you slut! [Sticks a lead paint can into a pillow and bashes 'own' body in face]  
  
[Mallorys body falls into car next to Dim]  
  
[Laboratory]  
  
Scientist: Well, which is his brain and which is the females brain? [Accidentally switchres brains and screws their heads back on]  
  
Dim Shades: I feel as if I am getting pulled down by some force....[Looks down] Damn, I'm wearing an over the shoulder boulder holder with a pair of rocks...  
  
Kaff: ::Looks down:: God, I gotta scratch myself so bad! Ugh...my balls hurt ::scaratches:: There ya go...BALLS?! Great, I've got a semen plant...I guess men love a woman with a good set of balls...  
  
THE END? 


End file.
